Since my last post in August I have started physical therapy for a shoulder issue. This has literally been an impingement on my plans. I have an impingement...in my shoulder, and let me say that despite the slightly amusing nature of the name of this disfunction, it is no laughing matter. The stretching that I have to do to remedy this disfunction is intense and, at times, quite painful.
In the beginning was a stiff shoulder, with sudden numbing pain that inexplicably arose when I moved the wrong way, or simply walked too fast, or just slept "wrong", i.e. on my left side. It's hard to live without sleeping. I just had to learn to stay on my right side.
The pain could be brutal and then I would feel a tingling in my arm and hand and the arm could go limp, as if I was dragging around something that didn't belong to me. Like some "baggage" or other that we occasionally bring into our relationships. Anyway...
It has been improving over the past two months with twice a week PT and a daily stretching routine that takes about an hour to complete -- twice to three times daily!
I am determined to conquer this annoying issue, but it is a pain. I know, did I really have to go there?
In the meantime, I have been actually enjoying the start to my school year - more so than in the recent past. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I want to make it a better year. You see, I like so many Americans am feeling shitty these days...why?, you ask - well let's just say "45" and leave it at that. I think he gets far too much attention already, and I don't like feeding the beast any energy. In this respect he reminds me of a dog -- the kind of dog that didn't have proper socialization. He may even be a rabid dog, so watch out. He is, in short, a "bad dog" - one that cannot be reformed. He likes to cause chaos like any "bad dog" and he's really rather good at it. It may be, in fact, the only thing he's really good at! Anyway... I digress.
As I was saying, I feel shitty about a lot of things right now -- but what I want to focus on is the things I can effect, those things that are right under my nose. My family, my relationships, my work, my art, my music, my writing. Speaking of writing, did I mention that I am WAITING for something big?
I seem to recall mentioning it once or twice. Yes, I am waiting on the "Big Break" that legendary, life-changing, seldom seen but often rumored event that could "change my life forever". (By the way, don't EVER use that phrase in your query letter - it will get you sent to the "no" pile for sure.)
For the past six months the "BB" ("Big Break") has somehow eluded me. I am NOT surprised. You see, I am a "glass half empty" guy on a typical day, and a "glass, what f'ing glass. I can't see any glass anywhere" guy on the bad days. My dear wife, Tracey, has taken to consoling me, when I mention the waiting and not having, with a lovely phrase: "not yet", she says sagely. I absolutely ADORE her for that!
When I am in one of my "bitch spirals" where everything is complete and utter shit -- she is there, my rock, with her "not yet", kindly and gently reminding me that nothing is "owed" to us. Certainly no thing as abstract and out of my circle of control as a book deal!
Another great quote that she is fond of saying is "Birth is as safe as life gets." Think about that one. Just 'cause you were born doesn't mean that everything is bound to turn out -- hell it doesn't mean that anything is bound to turn out.
Somehow that little "not yet" helps me to pick myself up off the floor of my whining selfhood, and to dust myself off and begin again to be grateful, and to strive for a better world. "Thank You, darling" is what I should say to her, to so many things.
Thank you change, thank you life, thank you world, thank you all.
I know I'll get through this and one day I'll have news for you...
just "not yet".